Tuesday, December 28, 2010
if you ever find yourself in a silent, passive-aggressive subway feud with that bitch who just shoved you aside to steal the seat meant for YOU, the one who obviously NEEDS IT because why else would i be massaging my back and bending over to touch my toes in the middle of the damn TRAIN which is STALLED because apparently public transportation in this city has deteriorated to such a level that we're still waiting a long-ass time for trains a DAY after a snow storm, which is when all that shit is melting and therefore easy to clear away. ANYWAY: when this scenario (or any variation thereof) arises on a subway train, the best revenge you can get is this:
1. stare at them. make sure you get their eye contact for a SPLIT SECOND. this part is very important. you must not linger. you must not hold their gaze like a psycho. like gary busey, if you will.
2. look OFF TO THE SIDE. the sidelong glance is equally if not more important. the side glance will prepare you for...
3. THE EYE ROLL. no eye roll is ever subtle, but if you blink, ROLL, blink, and continue to stare at your chosen side focal point, you will have done the trick. the blink is essential. they will know you just rolled your eyes, but part of them will think that they are crazy, that they are just being overly sensitive.
4. go about your business. people watch. watch everybody except your enemy. check to see which subway stop you have arrived at. don't check your phone or fiddle with your ipod.
5. THE CLINCH: get off the train before they do at a fly-ass subway stop. every shallow new yorker worth his or her salt judges everybody based on which subway stop they get out on, and anybody who says they don't is a liar with whom you should disassociate yourself immediately! everybody gets jealous when the guy or gal who is way out of your league gets off at delancey, stays on after lorimer, or walks in the direction of a letter train when you are stuck on a number train! these are the facts of life, people. and as soon as we accept them, we will be capable of exacting swift revenge on the hipster assholes who have wronged us.*
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
*honestly, you should not go out of your way to "offend" these people in the petty way which i have outlined above. but if you happen to need to get off at the bergen F stop while they are stuck on a train to park slope (not too shabby, i'll admit), it feels so good to think that they wish they could be going where you're going. even if they're not. even if they're thinking, "did i forget to clean the litter box this morning?" you can always entertain fantasies. such is life, darlings.
one more time for good measure... GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Posted by RANDALL at 9:03 PM
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
so, i live in a hasidic neighborhood and i've been seeing these minivans with menorahs on top everywhere. for each day of hanukah that goes by, a new candle gets artificially lit so that these, the most special jews of any jews there ever were, can drive around in fucking STYLE while they pick up their many children from school. what the fuck is that shit? fucking HILARIOUS is what it is. it's like, watch out y'all, here comes the FUCKING HANUKAH MOBILE.
lots of f-bombs in this post, i'm noticing. eh, they can stay.
Posted by RANDALL at 1:32 AM
Monday, December 6, 2010
ew, this weather is gross. laundry day was today, so in order to prevent a desperate scramble for a cute outfit before work tomorrow, i decided to act TONIGHT and put together, like, the best work outfit ever? it involves lots of layering, a dress i wore during the summer, smart wool, bike shorts, and over-accessorizing. the walk to the subway is going to be brutal, but seeing as it will probably be 489430890980 degrees at THE STRND, i think everything will balance out in the end.
tonight i had a heaping bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. i am going to bring some to work tomorrow so i won't have to buy lunch. hooray, i am finally becoming responsible! also, i am trying to work up an extra layer of body fat so i can be super warm this winter. well, i mean, i'm not ACTIVELY trying to do this, but it's just something i tell myself whenever i am craving sweets or beer or whatever. it's a reason to say yes, yes, yes! more, more, more! indulging feels so much better in the cold months. i guess that's the reason why there's a whole slew of holidays coming up or whatever.
we have two new boys on the art floor. i saw STPHN's email by accident when i was trying to get onto BASIL, and that is how i am privy to this information. yay, more cute STRND boys! however, i firmly believe that it impossible for anybody on a floor as insular as the art floor to date somebody who works there as well. if you work on the art floor or the rare book room and you like somebody on the same floor, you are pretty much fucked unless it is the REAL DEAL and you guys loooove each other or whatever. which is great! more power to you or whatever. but that shit has to get awkward at some point, yo.
wow, what a pointless blog post. but i've come this far so i must follow through and post it! now: i am going to watch america's next top model and finish reading my cecily brown monograph. GOOD NIGHT.
Posted by RANDALL at 8:18 PM
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
jesus fucking christ, how did this blog become so TOUCHY-FEELY and LAME? i'm over it. i want to bitch about THE STRND. bring it on!
okay, so we STRND employees get a lot of flack for having attitude problems, but you know what? you people deserve it! here's what you do that pisses us off the most. if you want us to hate you, then by all means do any of the following:
1. DECIDE YOU NO LONGER WANT TO BUY THE TEN BOOKS YOU PULLED OUT RANDOMLY FROM THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE STORE, TOSS THEM WHEREVER YOUR SICK LITTLE HEART DESIRES
okay. so you changed your mind, your credit card is maxed out, something came up, and/or for whatever reason you simply CAN'T buy your books and must leave them someplace NOW so you can peace out. that's just great! bonus points if you have left erotica books out. SUPER bonus points if i recognize that it was indeed YOU who left them because you made me wander around the store pulling the ten thousand titles that you no longer want that are now stacked on top of a prominent display table. good job!
2. MAKE ME HOLD YOUR HAND
look, have you even been to a bookstore before? because i don't know if you know this, but everything is arranged alphabetically by author! i know, i know: WHOA. mind? BLOWN. and if you are one of the surprisingly few people who grasp this concept and have tried to find what you are looking for sans assistance (and i commend you for doing so!) only to find that it's NOT THERE, then asking me to look for it probably won't change a thing. i am not a magician, people! which brings me to my next topic...
3. EXPECT ME TO WORK MIRACLES
if you have no idea what the book is called, who the author is, or what it's about, please don't ask me to read your mind and find this magical book that you just made up in your head. do you have any idea how much psychological damage your behavior inflicts upon me? do you know how confused and depressed and stressed out it makes me when i can't cater to your ridiculous demands? i know i shouldn't feel that way when i am faced with this kind of situation, but the fact that you are just standing there silently and STARING at me and not apologizing because you just really, truly, honestly don't know what you want and will just look it up on amazon when you get home... well, it bothers me. a lot. to say the least.
4. STAND IN AN INCONVENIENT PLACE
hi, i don't know if you know this, but i am trying to get by with an entire armload of excessively oversized taschen books that must be returned to the mezzanine! do you think you can stop looking at terryworld for just a moment so i can squeeze by? THANKS. oh yeah, you totally didn't see me. your peripheral vision is like, not good at all. you thought i was standing here for my health and not because i am WAITING for you to be courteous and GET OUT THE WAY. wonderful!
5. GET ANGRY
pleeeeease don't yell at me. pleeeeeease. believe me, the thing i did that pissed you off was brought to my attention by my manager, and he already yelled at me for it so you wouldn't have to! if that isn't great customer service, then i don't know what is.
WOW. thinking about this is almost as exhausting as putting up with it in real life. in truth, i do like my job, but as fun and hilarious as it is to work there, it is equally as infuriating and stressful. maybe i'll make this a regular feature on this blog. i have no doubt that i am leaving out weeks and weeks worth of material.
this friday will be my first black friday as a retail clerk in new york city. i feel special in a not-so-special way. i feel like THE STRND will be especially hilarious on that day. just don't make me greet. please lord, don't make me greet. but that is a topic for the next edition of HOW TO PISS OF A STRND EMPLOYEE.
Posted by RANDALL at 10:53 PM
Thursday, November 4, 2010
holy shit, you guys. last night i went through a true new york rite of passage: i barfed on the subway! i never thought this would ever happen to me, but when it's happening it feels kind of punk rock. i don't recommend it, but you know what? i kind of do!
so, after a night of drinking with friends and strangers, i stopped for falafel and went on my merry way, thinking that i'd gotten myself out of another scrape puke-free. WRONG! i feel like my body could handle the johnny walker and sarnac, but the falafel was "the straw that broke the camel's back," as they say. i got all the way to atlantic avenue, and then i threw up. technically i did not actually release vomit onto the floor of the train. i threw up in my mouth and then ran onto the subway platform when we stopped, and then you better believe i blew chunks all up in that motherfucker. i think the last time i puked in public was in 2007. i think i had a pretty good run, right?
anyway, there wasn't really anybody on the platform who saw me, so i just sat down next to a sleeping hobo and acted like nothing happened. as people began to arrive on the platform again, i kept looking over at my puke and watching people side-step it. they were all saying stuff like, "ew, gross." it was amazing! i felt kind of proud. like, yeah, i fucking did that, what of it? it was my secret, though.
there is something very picturesque about puke on a subway platform. it's like the two were made for one another, no?
Posted by RANDALL at 11:17 PM
Saturday, October 16, 2010
last night when i was drunk at four a.m. (so much for the whole "quiet night in" idea) i dropped my comb into the toilet. in my drunken state, this was a catastrophe and i decided to just let it chill there until the morning. when i got up to pee the next day, i had to fish it out. i put it on the counter and forgot about it and i just brushed my bangs with it. now i have toilet water bangs.
Posted by RANDALL at 1:49 PM
Friday, October 1, 2010
in the event of a fever, only a certain few things will do.
steal ephemera from late-night places, things like bar glasses, public notices, and toilet paper. pay in change, get it wrong. lay awake at night and keep telling yourself that you will fall asleep soon because you are tucked away on an island by the sea. watch old films and listen to radio ethiopia. paint your nails in too-dim lighting. fuck up, start over, make some tea and think of something else to do. hold hands with your dearest friend, tell her you're sad and hold her and when she lets go tell her to hold you again. run towards stray cats in the night. sleep on someone else's floor. ponder the concept of zipless fucking. try to sleep some more. tell yourself the bit about the island, the bit about the sea.
Posted by RANDALL at 10:40 PM
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
...is the fact that the ads on the side of my facebook page have gotten considerably less depressing. no more "having a baby?" or "stop drunk driving!" or "engagement rings 50 percent off!" or "yeah for phoenix online!" fucking new mexico.
Posted by RANDALL at 2:23 PM
Thursday, July 29, 2010
i need to walk to smith's to buy some beer, but i am afraid because, as i said before, this is what my hair looks like. i know it's taos and all, but i still have at least some of my self-respect intact. the only way to remedy this situation is to shower, which i don't want to do either. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?
Posted by RANDALL at 2:29 PM
Saturday, July 10, 2010
okay i know i am updating a lot but i am anonymous in the mountains and nobody is reading this anyway. LA LA LA I CAN WRITE WHATEVER I WANT! i know all of this is seriously annoying, for the record. but i am really into blogs and journaling right now so i am updating. AGAIN.
today i was looking through my cell phone at all the things i took pictures of. i really like cell phone photos because they're always so incredibly weird, because every time you see something weird you are without your camera and you take out your phone instead and pretend to text someone while you are actually taking a picture, and everybody around you totally sees right through you and knows what you are doing but doesn't say anything because it is a trifling matter when all is said and done. so, without further ado, here are my cell phone photos. all of them were taken in taos, NM.
i took this today in the UPS store. D. was shipping all of his stuff to beantown, so i was hanging out and looking at the (mostly uninspiring) cards for sale. for some reason, this was the "card of the week."
i took this picture while stoned at smith's.
this is the alley cantina, which is this really lame bar in taos. D. and i walk here and get hammered out of our minds whenever we are truly hating life in this shitfuck town.
"wares" for sale @ smith's
(i kept my ralph's card from california, btw. it's pink, and all the lady cashiers always say that it's much prettier than the smith's card. i agree. that's why i kept it. i think the smith's card is orange, maybe?)
the alley cantina
important notice on the taos diner bulletin board.
smith's parking lot (smith's is a freakshow fyi, in case you haven't noticed)
adorable creatures at petsmart (petco? i don't know, but it was way before all this CRAZY IMMIGRATION SHIT)
and finally, the best car ever. i saw this right after i got my hair done on ledoux street at the AVEDA SALON omg. i really like the girl who did my hair. her name is monique, and she hates taos, too. i think i'll go see her once again before i leave. finding a good hairdresser is so stressful! now i'm going to have to search for one all over again when i get to NYC. oh well, maybe i will have an artsy roommate who will cut my hair for free on a cool night.
i can't wait, i can't wait, i'm so excited, i'm so excited! i can't believe i have to wait until august to see new york again. i have no idea what to expect. living in taos has been so strange and unpredictable. it feels a bit like a desert island. in some ways i feel like i've lost my edge, but sometimes i feel like i've gained a whole new one. today dustin and i were cruising around the back roads of town, and all i could think about was, new york is nothing like this. for all of my complaining, i am truly going to miss this place. the scenic beauty is amazing, and it is, as numerous signs will tell you on the way into town, an "all american city." it feels far away and exotic, but that feeling is but a cheap thrill. i am tired of trying to fit into a place based on its romantic appeal. i am trying to be realistic about things, and then perhaps something romantic will arise then. i am tired of forcing things. i am just trying to be honest with myself. NYC is where i need to be, and that is that!
okay, peace out.
Posted by RANDALL at 5:39 PM