Tuesday, December 28, 2010

shitted on 'em

if you ever find yourself in a silent, passive-aggressive subway feud with that bitch who just shoved you aside to steal the seat meant for YOU, the one who obviously NEEDS IT because why else would i be massaging my back and bending over to touch my toes in the middle of the damn TRAIN which is STALLED because apparently public transportation in this city has deteriorated to such a level that we're still waiting a long-ass time for trains a DAY after a snow storm, which is when all that shit is melting and therefore easy to clear away. ANYWAY: when this scenario (or any variation thereof) arises on a subway train, the best revenge you can get is this:

1. stare at them. make sure you get their eye contact for a SPLIT SECOND. this part is very important. you must not linger. you must not hold their gaze like a psycho. like gary busey, if you will.

2. look OFF TO THE SIDE. the sidelong glance is equally if not more important. the side glance will prepare you for...

3. THE EYE ROLL. no eye roll is ever subtle, but if you blink, ROLL, blink, and continue to stare at your chosen side focal point, you will have done the trick. the blink is essential. they will know you just rolled your eyes, but part of them will think that they are crazy, that they are just being overly sensitive.

4. go about your business. people watch. watch everybody except your enemy. check to see which subway stop you have arrived at. don't check your phone or fiddle with your ipod.

5. THE CLINCH: get off the train before they do at a fly-ass subway stop. every shallow new yorker worth his or her salt judges everybody based on which subway stop they get out on, and anybody who says they don't is a liar with whom you should disassociate yourself immediately! everybody gets jealous when the guy or gal who is way out of your league gets off at delancey, stays on after lorimer, or walks in the direction of a letter train when you are stuck on a number train! these are the facts of life, people. and as soon as we accept them, we will be capable of exacting swift revenge on the hipster assholes who have wronged us.*


*honestly, you should not go out of your way to "offend" these people in the petty way which i have outlined above. but if you happen to need to get off at the bergen F stop while they are stuck on a train to park slope (not too shabby, i'll admit), it feels so good to think that they wish they could be going where you're going. even if they're not. even if they're thinking, "did i forget to clean the litter box this morning?" you can always entertain fantasies. such is life, darlings. 

one more time for good measure... GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!


Sunday, December 19, 2010

sexy reading fun times USA

if you are a man and you like women and you still haven't read this, you need to. like, what the fuck have you been doing all this time. READ. NOW!


Thursday, December 9, 2010

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT: menorah minivans

so, i live in a hasidic neighborhood and i've been seeing these minivans with menorahs on top everywhere. for each day of hanukah that goes by, a new candle gets artificially lit so that these, the most special jews of any jews there ever were, can drive around in fucking STYLE while they pick up their many children from school. what the fuck is that shit? fucking HILARIOUS is what it is. it's like, watch out y'all, here comes the FUCKING HANUKAH MOBILE.

lots of f-bombs in this post, i'm noticing. eh, they can stay.


Monday, December 6, 2010

office romance

ew, this weather is gross. laundry day was today, so in order to prevent a desperate scramble for a cute outfit before work tomorrow, i decided to act TONIGHT and put together, like, the best work outfit ever? it involves lots of layering, a dress i wore during the summer, smart wool, bike shorts, and over-accessorizing. the walk to the subway is going to be brutal, but seeing as it will probably be 489430890980 degrees at THE STRND, i think everything will balance out in the end.

tonight i had a heaping bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. i am going to bring some to work tomorrow so i won't have to buy lunch. hooray, i am finally becoming responsible! also, i am trying to work up an extra layer of body fat so i can be super warm this winter. well, i mean, i'm not ACTIVELY trying to do this, but it's just something i tell myself whenever i am craving sweets or beer or whatever. it's a reason to say yes, yes, yes! more, more, more! indulging feels so much better in the cold months. i guess that's the reason why there's a whole slew of holidays coming up or whatever.

we have two new boys on the art floor. i saw STPHN's email by accident when i was trying to get onto BASIL, and that is how i am privy to this information. yay, more cute STRND boys! however, i firmly believe that it impossible for anybody on a floor as insular as the art floor to date somebody who works there as well. if you work on the art floor or the rare book room and you like somebody on the same floor, you are pretty much fucked unless it is the REAL DEAL and you guys loooove each other or whatever. which is great! more power to you or whatever. but that shit has to get awkward at some point, yo.

wow, what a pointless blog post. but i've come this far so i must follow through and post it! now: i am going to watch america's next top model and finish reading my cecily brown monograph. GOOD NIGHT.