ACCESS DENIED

there are many things that are worse than being DENIED ACCESS, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't totally suck! here are all the times when i have had my ACCESS DENIED.

1. king and grove hotel, july 2012

when i heard that admission to king and grove's saltwater pool could be obtained by merely purchasing a drink at the hotel bar, i was like, fuck yeah, let's go! my friend and i went yesterday only to be told that we could not use the pool because we did not have a reservation. a RESERVATION? for a POOL!? they are now charging a forty-five dollar cover for said reservation. i guess a couple of beers just won't cut it anymore. lame!

2. random street fair, july 2012

i was sitting in macri square park eating a healthy hummus wrap from hana food. i looked up, and what do i see in the distance but a ferris wheel! i am so getting on that, i thought to myself. so, i finished half of my wrap, shoved the rest of it in my bag, and made my way across meeker avenue, which always freaks me out. when i reached the street fair, i asked the ticket lady how much it cost to ride the ferris wheel. "five bux," she said. i gave her five bux. i got in line. the ferris wheel operator glared at me.

"YOU CAN'T RIDE THIS," the he yells at me.

"WHAT???" (the ferris wheel music was deafening.)

"I SAID, YOU CAN'T RIDE THIS!"

"WHY NOT?"

"YOU NEED TWO PEOPLE!"

well, shit. i skulked back to the ticket counter. "NO REFUNDS," proclaimed a sheet that was taped to the window. this did not deter me. i calmly explained the situation. the woman gave me my five bux back. i walked away from the street fair in shame. however, i was able to relive the thrills of childhood elsewhere. i ducked into jaime campiz playground to ride the swingset. this maniacal child was swinging next to me. "i'm higher than you!" he yelled. i let him win and then went home.

3. mccarren pool, summer 2008

okay, so when the first MGMT album came out, i was really into that shit. you know what, i still like "electric feel." anyway. they were playing a free show at mccarren pool back when it wasn't a pool anymore. i dragged my then-boyfriend with me to see them, and i knew we should have gotten up early to make sure we got in, but we were stoners back then and i convinced myself that it would be fine, we could just roll up and get in and listen to some groovy jams. WRONG. the line was insane. it just kept going and going and going and GOING. we stood in line anyway. why? i will never know. we both knew that it was game over. sure enough, after standing there for way too long, a dude on a loudspeaker announced that "IF YOU ARE STANDING IN LINE YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING INTO MCCARREN POOL TODAY." ugh. awful. we went home and smoked more weed and looked at gawker. gawker told us that kirsten dunst had been at the show. she had been chilling in the VIP area. she didn't have to stand in line.

"bitch," i said.

"for real," said my boyfriend.

4. douche-y manhattan club, may 2007

the day a bunch of my friends graduated from college, we were cruising around the city looking for drugs. my boyfriend knew a dude who worked at a club where these drugs could possibly be found. at the time, i was underage. i had a fake ID that i'd purchased for 60 dollars at a shady store in chinatown. it had worked in most bars and even at the mobil station in bronxville, so i was feeling pretty cocky when i tried to follow my boyfriend into the club. i handed the bouncer my id. he took one look at it and stuck it in his pocket.

"i keep these," he said.

"what!?" i cried.

"i said, i keep these."

i was so mad. i stormed across the street and hurled my body against a chain-link fence. my boyfriend left the club when he realized what had happened and we all ended up going home without finding drugs. it was okay, though. i think everybody was exhausted from senior week. we all went our separate ways and faded into the night. i'm glad we never found the drugs.

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water sports

image via gothamist

yesterday i took mccarren pool redux for a test drive. i anticipated there to be an insane amount of people there so i decided the best thing to do would be to get up early and arrive at the pool around noon. obviously the main reason for my going was to swim, but i was also intrigued by the idea of being in the middle of a complete fucking mob scene. sure enough, there was a huge line to get in. i think i waited for about twenty-five minutes, but it was okay because in that amount of time i figured out how to work the lock i'd just purchased. i have always had problems with locks with dials. i wrote my combination on my arm with a fat black sharpie, just in case.

when i FINALLY got in, i chose a locker and got changed. i love the feeling of wearing a swimsuit under your clothes, especially when people can see the strings of your bikini creeping out of your shirt. i think it is a look that says, "here i am! i am ready for anything!" i am contemplating getting a camp towel and a jansport backpack and carrying the towel, my swimsuit, and my lock around with me all summer. baller! anyway, the locker room was airy and didn't feel all gross and sweaty and disgusting like most pool locker rooms do. it was a bit small, though. however, i'll take a small locker room if it means more room for a HUGE FUCKING POOL! which brings me to the next thing...

...the pool! i have only been to one public pool in the city, and that was the one in sunset park, which is kind of an awful pool. crowded, and waaaaaaaaay to many kids. like, the kid to adult ration was probably 7-1 or something ridiculous. anyway, in its newly-pristine state, mccarren pool looks spectacular. the bottom is painted a beautiful cerulean shade, and the very sight of it looks refreshing. there is tons of room for both lounging and swimming. i found a really great spot on these things that resembled steps that were big enough to lay out and sunbathe on. later that day i managed to score a shady spot in the same area. there was even a little potted plant right next to me for some added ambiance! FANCY! also, i was shocked to see that the crowd was not nearly as big as i'd expected. it was a pretty standard amount of people for your average public pool, i thought.

anyway, i had two swimming sessions and then sat in the sun reading air guitar for the rest of the time. i contemplated going in a third time, but by then the sun was wearing me out and i was starving. i love swimming. i always have. when i was a child, i learned how to swim nearly instantly. i was always the last one out of the water, the one who always begged to stay at the beach a little longer. as i gathered my stuff, kids were going psycho all around me and the lifegaurds were constantly blowing their whistles at all of the stupid and incredibly fun things they were doing. i thought about how i could never be that way again. for a moment i was sad as i contemplated the amount of energy that leaves you as you get older. oh well. i left the pool and ate tacos from calexico in the park. one kind of fun replaces another, i suppose.

i was saddened to hear that hours after i'd left, a lifegaurd was assaulted by a bunch of idiot kids. in the past few years, mccarren pool has become a symbol for urban regeneration, both in its incarnations as a concert venue and now a swimming hole restored to what people hope will be its former glory. i don't think that the pool will become what it became at the time of its closing. chill, people! the security in that place is pretty fucking tight. i don't think anyone is going to be dealing crack to five year olds there anytime soon.

in other water-related news, i partied until dawn and then streaked through an open fire hydrant on my street. i realize that this was an incredibly stupid thing to do but it was really fucking fun and i do not regret it in the slightest.

in conclusion, i highly recommend the refurbished mccarren pool. i also highly recommend streaking through an open fire hydrant. however, if you are not looking to get arrested (or worse), the former option is probably best. A+!

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