Saturday, July 14, 2012


there are many things that are worse than being DENIED ACCESS, but that doesn't mean that it still doesn't totally suck! here are all the times when i have had my ACCESS DENIED.

1. king and grove hotel, july 2012
when i heard that admission to king and grove's saltwater pool could be obtained by merely purchasing a drink at the hotel bar, i was like, fuck yeah, let's go! my friend and i went yesterday only to be told that we could not use the pool because we did not have a reservation. a RESERVATION? for a POOL!? they are now charging a forty-five dollar cover for said reservation. i guess a couple of beers just won't cut it anymore. lame!

2. random street fair, july 2012
i was sitting in macri square park eating a healthy hummus wrap from hana food. i looked up, and what do i see in the distance but a ferris wheel! i am so getting on that, i thought to myself. so, i finished half of my wrap, shoved the rest of it in my bag, and made my way across meeker avenue, which always freaks me out. when i reached the street fair, i asked the ticket lady how much it cost to ride the ferris wheel. "five bux," she said. i gave her five bux. i got in line. the ferris wheel operator glared at me.

"YOU CAN'T RIDE THIS," the he yells at me.

"WHAT???" (the ferris wheel music was deafening.)




well, shit. i skulked back to the ticket counter. "NO REFUNDS," proclaimed a sheet that was taped to the window. this did not deter me. i calmly explained the situation. the woman gave me my five bux back. i walked away from the street fair in shame. however, i was able to relive the thrills of childhood elsewhere. i ducked into jaime campiz playground to ride the swingset. this maniacal child was swinging next to me. "i'm higher than you!" he yelled. i let him win and then went home.

3. mccarren pool, summer 2008
okay, so when the first MGMT album came out, i was really into that shit. you know what, i still like "electric feel." anyway. they were playing a free show at mccarren pool back when it wasn't a pool anymore. i dragged my then-boyfriend with me to see them, and i knew we should have gotten up early to make sure we got in, but we were stoners back then and i convinced myself that it would be fine, we could just roll up and get in and listen to some groovy jams. WRONG. the line was insane. it just kept going and going and going and GOING. we stood in line anyway. why? i will never know. we both knew that it was game over. sure enough, after standing there for way too long, a dude on a loudspeaker announced that "IF YOU ARE STANDING IN LINE YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING INTO MCCARREN POOL TODAY." ugh. awful. we went home and smoked more weed and looked at gawker. gawker told us that kirsten dunst had been at the show. she had been chilling in the VIP area. she didn't have to stand in line.

"bitch," i said.

"for real," said my boyfriend.

4. douche-y manhattan club, may 2007
the day a bunch of my friends graduated from college, we were cruising around the city looking for drugs. my boyfriend knew a dude who worked at a club where these drugs could possibly be found. at the time, i was underage. i had a fake ID that i'd purchased for 60 dollars at a shady store in chinatown. it had worked in most bars and even at the mobil station in bronxville, so i was feeling pretty cocky when i tried to follow my boyfriend into the club. i handed the bouncer my id. he took one look at it and stuck it in his pocket.

"i keep these," he said.

"what!?" i cried.

"i said, i keep these."

i was so mad. i stormed across the street and hurled my body against a chain-link fence. my boyfriend left the club when he realized what had happened and we all ended up going home without finding drugs. it was okay, though. i think everybody was exhausted from senior week. we all went our separate ways and faded into the night. i'm glad we never found the drugs.


Saturday, July 7, 2012

this is how we do

i can check this shit off my list:

-securing a spot to see the east river fireworks that is ACTUALLY good
-taking a bus out of port authority
-visiting the lovely town of sparta, nj
-going for a night swim
-riding in the back of a cop car
-posing for pictures with antiquated handguns
-partying in NY, NJ, and CT all in one day.

it was a true tri-state weekend. happy birthday, america!


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

highs and lows

ryan mcginley cancelled on us three times before FINALLY coming in to sign his stock. the day after he cancelled for the third time, one of my supervisors asked if he'd made it in and i said, "what do you think?"

whatever. today he was there and today i brought a stack of copies of whistle for the wind up to the third floor, where he was seated at a desk in a far corner of the room, silently scribbling his signature again and again in each of the fifty billion copies of his book that were already stacked on the desk.

"wow," i thought, "sometimes my job is cool...i guess?"

i went back downstairs only to be called up again 15 minutes later to fetch the signed stock and bring it all back to the art floor. i did so. ryan mcginley was nowhere to be seen and i assumed that he had peaced the fuck out. i waited like, a thousand years for our terrible elevator to take me down to the second floor. when i got off, one of my colleagues was standing by the door. i wheeled the cart onto the floor.

"HE CAME!" i cried. "HE SIGNED! HE CON-"

"shut up!" my colleague hissed. "he's right over there!"

i turned my head towards the photography table. ryan mcginley was browsing the photography books. oopsy! he had earphones in, so i don't think he heard me? oh well. on a side note, i really don't like when people wear earphones while they are browsing around in stores.

so, that was the high point of my day. the low point came while i was on the train coming back to brooklyn. when i got a seat, i sat down and examined the couple sitting across from me. the first thing i noticed was that the woman was wearing THESE SHOES:

GROSS. then, something happened that was, if you can believe it, EVEN GROSSER. this woman was eating the following CONDIMENT right out of the jar with a SPOON:

i almost barfed in my mouth. i ACTUALLY gagged when she handed the jar to her boyfriend, who put the jar to his mouth and DRANK the rest of it. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!???????????

anyways. now it is time for my cleaning party, as my room is a complete disaster area. loud music and beer are in order! wish my luck. i am about to go into the shit.



Sunday, July 1, 2012


i don't know if any of you have experienced this phenomenon, but every now and then one may find oneself in close proximity to a group of people who find themselves so clever and interesting that they feel they must talk very loudly so that the whole world may be dazzled by their wit and enthralled with their fascinating lives! perhaps you have even been involved in such a group. well, the truth is that OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS ARE TERRIBLE. especially if you must listen to them while waiting for food. hot dogs, if you will. at two in the morning. when you only have one dollar. while wondering to yourself, why did i have to spend my last two quarters on two gumballs earlier? i could have afforded papaya dog and avoided standing in line with these jerks! ah, such is life.

yes, i know what you may be thinking: why, not my conversations! i only talk about intelligent things and i have a great sense of humor! and you may indeed! but your conversation still sounds terrible. i can't explain it. the end!