shitted on 'em

if you ever find yourself in a silent, passive-aggressive subway feud with that bitch who just shoved you aside to steal the seat meant for YOU, the one who obviously NEEDS IT because why else would i be massaging my back and bending over to touch my toes in the middle of the damn TRAIN which is STALLED because apparently public transportation in this city has deteriorated to such a level that we're still waiting a long-ass time for trains a DAY after a snow storm, which is when all that shit is melting and therefore easy to clear away. ANYWAY: when this scenario (or any variation thereof) arises on a subway train, the best revenge you can get is this:

1. stare at them. make sure you get their eye contact for a SPLIT SECOND. this part is very important. you must not linger. you must not hold their gaze like a psycho. like gary busey, if you will.

2. look OFF TO THE SIDE. the sidelong glance is equally if not more important. the side glance will prepare you for...

3. THE EYE ROLL. no eye roll is ever subtle, but if you blink, ROLL, blink, and continue to stare at your chosen side focal point, you will have done the trick. the blink is essential. they will know you just rolled your eyes, but part of them will think that they are crazy, that they are just being overly sensitive.

4. go about your business. people watch. watch everybody except your enemy. check to see which subway stop you have arrived at. don't check your phone or fiddle with your ipod.

5. THE CLINCH: get off the train before they do at a fly-ass subway stop. every shallow new yorker worth his or her salt judges everybody based on which subway stop they get out on, and anybody who says they don't is a liar with whom you should disassociate yourself immediately! everybody gets jealous when the guy or gal who is way out of your league gets off at delancey, stays on after lorimer, or walks in the direction of a letter train when you are stuck on a number train! these are the facts of life, people. and as soon as we accept them, we will be capable of exacting swift revenge on the hipster assholes who have wronged us.*

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

*honestly, you should not go out of your way to "offend" these people in the petty way which i have outlined above. but if you happen to need to get off at the bergen F stop while they are stuck on a train to park slope (not too shabby, i'll admit), it feels so good to think that they wish they could be going where you're going. even if they're not. even if they're thinking, "did i forget to clean the litter box this morning?" you can always entertain fantasies. such is life, darlings. 

one more time for good measure... GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!